I started out saying, "I have always thought I was a girl, from the age of 2, as you told me that my sister found me sitting on the floor of her closet with the door shut wearing her formal. I had no remembrance of this, but it pointed me to re-examine my past life history with my psychiatrist, following through with that dynamic in mind. And much more of my past actions and attitudes reinforced that thought, and made a lot more sense. By my not accepting those thoughts before, I had stifled my emotional development, as I had learned early on that those thoughts of wanting to be a girl were not acceptable in this society. I had no friends, male or female, and I distanced myself from any involvement with other peoples lives, as that would require sharing of myself, and I knew that if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. So I embarked on my life path knowing what I felt, but believing that it was not appropriate to express it.
I would try to ignore those thoughts, and I would do MAN things, like being the kettle man on a roofing crew, riding motorcycles, and finally getting married. And married. And married. And married. When I came to the conclusion that I was actually transsexual, our psychiatrist told me that he was not an expert on the issue of transsexualism, and in fact didn’t know of anybody in the state that was. And then he asked if I knew of any? I was able to locate a therapist through my friends that I had met in an internet TS support group, a transsexual therapy specialist in Tampa, and I had found a Dr. that would prescribe Hormone Replacement Therapy in Seattle, and I made arrangements to visit with them, because I was going to see this to completion. There are specific procedures must follow in order to qualify for sexual reassignment surgery, which is my ultimate goal. During the nine months that have passed since then, I have come to accept that I am indeed transsexual and as we are no longer married, I felt empowered to explore my potential to its ultimate conclusion. I have undertaken a program that will allow me to become the woman that I now realize I was meant to be. I have had partial facial feminization surgery to allow me to pass more effectively as a woman, and my sole focus this past 9 months has been on my transition from male to female. Now I have finally accepted that I can't live with a woman as a man."
As I was speaking, I was scanning her face, and I saw a period of sadness cross her face as I was telling her that I couldn't live with a woman as a man, and puzzlement following. Before, I would have missed this body language and would have plowed ahead, because when I saw these emotions on her face, I stopped for a while to listen.
She then went on to tell me how she is having to go to school at night, and she is so busy taking the kids to tennis lessons, and private schools, and horseback riding, that she scarcely has time for herself. I could see that it wasn't more information she wanted to talk about, and that I would be wasting my effort. I waited for her to go through all the reasons that I am a bad person, she did make note that she was glad that I found the real me, but she didn't think I had changed, and I still see you as you always have been. That was my wake up call, because I had finally become able to communicate with my ex wife without the fear I had always felt when I would try to discuss important life issues with her, and I believe it came from the inner peace with myself, and the confidence that I am the only one that can hurt me psychologically. In the past, I would have missed these visual clues, and plowed ahead, giving out more information than was clearly called for at that time.
So, then I stopped and said, "If you ever have any questions you want to ask me, just let me know. I will answer anything you wish to know about, as honestly as I can. You are always the believer that actions speak louder than words, and I accept that, and understand that as well." Lesson learned, “Don’t tell them more than they want to know. Tell them as they wish to know.”
After a pregnant silence, out came the classic first question, “Are you gay?” To which I replied, “No, I am not gay, I am joyful perhaps, but I am not gay. I am not attracted to men.” She could accept this transsexual thing if I was gay, but she couldn’t understand why I am going through this. But, she doesn’t get it.
