I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin
I have gender dysphoria (for the several psychologist and social worker types among you, the DSM IV code is 302.85) I am a transsexual. I am not a cross dresser or a transvestite. This is not my way of telling you I am gay. This is not about who I want to date or sex or fetishes or wearing woman’s clothing. Let me explain.
There is a difference between sex, gender and sexual orientation. In way too simplistic terms, sex is about anatomy, sexual orientation is about attraction and gender is about social roles and interactions. These are very closely related things, of course, but they are not identical.
So first, here’s what this announcement and process is not about. It is not about sexual orientation. In fact, as many of you know, I have purposely put the whole notion of dating, relationships, etc, on hold for a while so as not to confound more important issues.
It is not really even about anatomy, except inasmuch as anatomy is inextricably linked in our society to social roles. It would be premature of me to predict what level of anatomical adjustment I need in order to reach a more emotionally congruous place, but there will be some changes.
It is also not about wearing women’s clothing except in that that too is inextricably linked to social roles.
It is about social roles. I’m sure I will never be able to explain this right, but let me try. My whole life. Yes, my whole life. Every single day, I have thought about this. I have wondered, dreamed, fretted, felt guilty and obsessed about my identity. Every day. My whole life.
There has always been an expectation because of the M on my birth certificate that I would behave in certain ways, feel certain ways and, in fact, be a certain way. It is about big things and about very little mundane things. How I stand. How I sit. Who I play with. What I play at. What I wear. How I live. What I look like. I have had to think carefully about my every physical and emotional action, reaction and interaction, my whole life.
I have a million relevant memories about how this has affected my day-to-day world since I was maybe two or three. These could be painful memories (and there are many transgendered people for whom they are painful beyond help), but you know what? They really aren’t for me. I suppose they are mildly tragic in that they had to continue for forty years before I did anything about them, but mostly I’m okay with the past. My successful practice has always been to hide how I felt, to disguise the societally incorrect gender-defined mannerisms or desires and to blend in. I think I have been pretty good at hiding my thoughts and pragmatically doing what I was supposed to do.
I really have felt since toddler-hood, though, that I have not been especially good at being a societally-defined male, but I’m not sure you’ve ever seen that. Indeed, I have always felt that I was more closely akin to female than male.
Please understand though that gender is not really a strict duality, but a continuum. I have no more possibility of or interest in becoming a really frilly female than a really butch alpha male. Those extremes are just not my nature.
Starting soon, it’s just me. It’s not really exactly about being a man or a woman, but it will look like that I’m sure. It’s about being me.
My gender dysphoria, as happens with most transsexuals, has become a crippling distraction with only one realistic fix—I need to stop fighting this and take an informed, cautious journey.
I ask myself, in mercy, or in common sense, if we cannot alter the conviction to fit the body, should we not in certain circumstances, alter the body to fit the conviction?
-Dr. Harry Benjamin, M.D.
A primary reason for telling you all this now is that there are about to be many changes in my life that I wanted you to learn about from me and in the correct context. Otherwise, you would have noticed them anyway and wondered what was happening. Let me explain some of the anticipated changes.
Geographic
One of the changes that I feel relatively sure that I will want to make is a geographic one. As of now, I have not decided on a geographic destination, but I am fairly sure that leaving Arkansas is the right thing for me to do. There are several reasons for this. First, I don't especially like living where I am living. As many of you know, I have stayed in Little Rock as long as I have primarily because of my commitment to my children and because of my clients here. Second, I'd like to try something new. I love big cities, but I've never lived really urban. There are a lot of advantages to big cities for me: better chance to meet similar friends, more stuff to do, greater anonymity (I've always liked that even regardless of transition concerns), and more personal lifestyle camouflage (it's easier to be who you want without excessive scrutiny).
Third, not being located so close to my old life will make things much easier for me, and for all of you as well. My transgendered friends whether they have changed cities or not—and most of them have not—say that there are generally more instances of mutual discomfort with people they knew before than with new acquaintances. This makes sense in that people who have always known me are naturally going to have doubts and confusions that new acquaintances cannot. New acquaintances are far less likely to innocently use the wrong pronouns, or to call me by the wrong name or, more importantly, to accidentally “out” me to other new acquaintances. Believe it or not, the process that I am contemplating really can make me appear more or less totally female to everyone except maybe those who have known me really well.
This is not to say that I am planning on or hoping to avoid association with any of you. As I have said, I am leaving that up to each of you individually. I am more concerned with the secondary list of people I know—clients, your friends and acquaintances, people I rarely interact with but who know me. None of us needs the grief or annoyance that these folks’ confusion, reaction, gossiping and curiosity will cause. It's better for me to start anew.
All of this is especially true of Little Rock. I have not made up my mind about where I will move. As some of you know, I've been making noises about moving for a few years. Now you know why. I plan to make up my mind by the end of the summer. In my mind, I have narrowed my decision down to the following cities (in alphabetical order):Atlanta, Memphis, Nashville, New York, San Francisco, Seattle, and Tampa.
