As I'm sure you gathered from the section above on geographic changes that I intend to make occupational changes as well. Little Rock is just too small a town to avoid all the hassles and financial risk that this could bring down on me and them. At the very least, it would be a major distraction. Probably, some clients would be fine with this—others would not be. Some clients would probably not want to work with me or them—even if they were afraid to say so. The probable downside is far bigger than possible upside.
It is also likely that for some months I would be a sufficient distraction and a source of discomfort to some strangers that it would cripple my ability to use designs methods that are so integral to what I do. So not only will I not be as able at what I do as I am now, but that would be unfair to those clients who would be good enough to want to try and work with me anyway.
Remarkably, sometime next year or so, people who meet me for the first time are unlikely to suspect that I am anything other than what I appear to be. I might then be able to begin again doing similar designing, but necessarily (and unfortunately) in a new venue and with new clients.
I have loved what I have been doing for the past few years and the people with whom I have been doing it. It has been important work, it has paid well and I have learned so much. I do not move away from this easily, but it is in everyone’s interest.
Emotional
Who knows? This is a tough one. Emotionally, I'm amazingly fine right now. Better than ever in a lot of ways. Actually, my mental health has always been pretty good. Sure, there's been Attention Deficit Disorder and a bit of depression now and again. Still my biggest emotional problem, lifelong, has been repressing the gender dysphoria. It really has impacted my life physically, emotionally, financially, and organizationally. Imagine, the thing in your life that you have thought about the most—everyday as long as you can remember—and you repressed it, denied it and never talked about it with anyone. That's pain and an incredible expenditure of negative energy. That's repression and that takes a toll.
Now, imagine, you seek help, come to terms with it, meet people like you, find out you're not a freak (by some definitions at least), make a decision to deal with it, and then deal with it—do what you need to do, tell those you care about, stop hiding it. It can only help, right? This is going to be a very tough couple of years for me, (and because of me, for some of you as well). But I have a knowledgeable therapist and some very knowledgeable and caring transgendered friends who have gone through this, and I really do have my head screwed on right and tight. And I hopefully will have some of you on my side as well. I will get through this fine and stronger and happier.
Physical
It might seem that this is really what it's all about—what everyone seems to focus on. Yes, I will be making physical changes. That's the point in a lot of ways. And the bottom line is that at some point in the near future I probably will be visually presenting myself to the world entirely as female. This can involve physical changes to my face, hair and body. A few of the websites I list in the resource section do a good job at describing many of these potential changes, but I also would be happy to talk with any of you.
Yes, I understand that these physical changes, indeed all of the changes I am making and planning, are drastic in some sense. Do understand, though, that I do not undertake them lightly nor without very careful research and professional supervision. I know what I am doing and I need to do it.
Name
The final change about which you might want to know is that at some point I will change my first name.
No true transsexual has yet been persuaded, bullied, drugged, analyzed, shamed, ridiculed or electrically shocked into acceptance of his physique.
-Jan Morris, Conundrum
I have three different systems of support related to my gender dysphoria and my emotional health: counseling, support groups and transgendered friends.
COUNSELING
I am in counseling with a licensed therapist named Dr. Nancy Simons. One of her areas of expertise is gender dysphoria. I meet with her every couple of weeks and we talk about me, which is of course something I like.
I am in therapy now for several reasons. First, the very carefully thought-out standards (Benjamin Standards of Care – see outline in Appendix C) for care of transsexuals mandate that we see a therapist. It is a good idea for many reasons. Many transsexuals I know or have met (probably about a thousand) have a lot of understandable psychological issues that they need to deal with: shame, guilt, confusion, depression, abandonment, physical abuse, substance abuse. It ain’t easy, let me tell you. I definitely have had to work on the first four, if not the latter three. A therapist is a good idea.
The second reason I’m going is that I am smart enough to realize that even just coming out to all of you, let alone the whole transition process, can be catastrophically tumultuous. If nothing else, in case I need it, I now have an established professional relationship with a good therapist who knows me, knows how to listen and knows what issues to expect and how to address them.
Finally, Nancy needs the amusement. I gather that most of her therapy clientele is not as entertaining as I.
Seriously, the therapy is a precaution and a mandate. I am surprisingly stable considering all this, but should I stumble a bit, Nancy is there.
If you would like to meet with Nancy to either help clarify things for me or for you, I would happily arrange for a session and pay for it.
SUPPORT GROUPS
I am a member of several. There is a Memphis area groups of which I am a member. It is oriented toward transgendered people of all ilk. The glossary will help you understand what I mean here. This group meets monthly a local church and is surprisingly well attended by a wide variety of folks. Each group has therapeutic and social components.
FRIENDS
One of the most harmful and painful aspects of my having closeted this issue for so long is that I have not felt able to discuss it with anyone close to me. However, over the past year or so, I have developed some very close friendships with other transgendered people. I have met them at the support groups, I have met them on the Internet and I have met them as part of a national organization of which I am a member. I actually know lots and lots of people just like me now.
