Third, almost without exception, we have an amazing sense of the need to help each other. I have met numerous people who swear that their actual lives have been saved by the support shown to them by other transgendered people. While my physical life has honestly never been in danger, my emotional well being certainly has been, and literally hundreds or thousands of strangers have been there for me. A lot of them aren’t strangers anymore.
It is a community for sure. And in the best sense—people helping other people anyway they can just because they should.
In fact, I should note that I have become increasingly involved in the community as a way of paying back all that I have been given. I write a regular column for TG Forum support group weekly e-column, and I am a member of a national organization that holds the largest annual transgendered conference in the world. This year we are expecting 600-700 attendees.
MISSING SUPPORT
Of course what has been missing from my support system is people like you—people who mean something to me outside of the gender community, people who I have cared about for a long time. Not only have I not sought your counsel, but I have felt bound to lie to you—about my feelings, and about my very being. That’s all done though. Those of you who feel that I can still have a place in your lives, will hopefully find that I will now have as much integrity and dignity about this issue as I have tried to with the rest of my life. Those of you who feel that your lives will be diminished with my continued presence, I understand and will not force myself into your association.
I’m sorry if this all sounds somewhat like I have had a secret double life. Admittedly, I have. One of the most insidious aspects of gender dysphoria is that it is so societally ridiculed and ridden with shame that, for most people, and for me until now, staying in the closet as long as possible seems like a pretty smart move. But really, for the most part, I have always been mostly what I have appeared to be. But yes, lately, I have been traveling in two circles—one secret from you—exploring and learning. I apologize for that, but it was an important first step.
HOW YOU MIGHT REACT
Even in this age of political correctness, it is still okay to mock, fear, hate and harm the transgendered.
-Randi Ettner, Gender Loving Care (paraphrased brutally)
You will react how you react.
I have been working on this for almost 40 years—I can’t expect you to understand or accept it in less time than that.
In some ways, the whole point of this is that I am doing what I think I need to do. So I expect and want you to do what you need to do.
If I have asked you to read this, it is certain that I think of you as a good person. That does not mean that I expect you to accept what I’m doing or even understand it. Indeed, I fully expect that my relationships with at least some of you will be dramatically strained or ended. The experiences of the hundreds of transgendered people I know tell me that some of you will embrace this and support me beyond my expectations, others will tolerate it, some will resent me, and some of you are likely to decide that there is no place in your life for me. Any of those is okay. I really mean it when I say that I want you to do what you think is right for you; I am doing what I think is right for me.
Here are some suggestions on how to make this as easy as possible for yourself. I will help anyway I can.
· Talk to me about this if you want to. Any time. In small groups or separately. I will be happy to answer any questions about anything. Keep in mind that, while I do take this seriously, none of this diminishes my sense of humor. If anything, I need it more now, so you still should expect me to joke a little.
· Look at the resources section (Appendix A) in this document and look for a book or a website that might interest you. I would be pleased to make more specific recommendations to anyone who asks. I have purchased fifteen copies of a book called True Selves by Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley, and am providing a copy to each of you. Many of my friends report that this book has helped their friends and families.
· Continue reading this document. I have tried to provide a lot of information that I hope might be helpful.
· If you are especially troubled by what I am telling you here, consider talking to a psychological counselor. If you have one, great. If not, I have appended a list of therapists in relevant geographic areas who have experience with gender issues (Appendix B). [This list is from an Internet resource, I do not know any of these therapists or any of their clients, but they are all familiar with the issues and have been recommended by presumably happy clients.] And as I noted before, I would be happy to set up and pay for an appointment for any of you with my therapist, Nancy. She is in the Tampa, Florida area.
If you asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.
-Emile Zola
I am doing this for me. It is an imperative, believe me. Still, I feel deeply that it affects you. I therefore really believe that I have certain responsibilities to you to help ameliorate any negative impact I am having on your lives. Here they are. I would be pleased to talk about other responsibilities that I may not have thought of.
1. I will answer any and all of your questions as thoroughly and clearly as possible. I know this isn’t something you have dealt with everyday like I have. As I said earlier, I have been thinking and reading about this for decades—you haven’t. I am in counseling and several supports groups—you probably aren’t.
2. I will answer any and all of your questions as honestly as possible. As much as I have dishonestly hidden this for years, I am definitely anxious to come clean here with you.
