It was also evident from this discussion that these physical changes must also be accompanied by mental changes, and I was forced to confront and confirm my resolve to precede further with my transition. There are going to be those that I will meet along the way that will not accept me, or what I am doing. It is impossible to please everybody, and some people just won’t like me. When this interaction with mainstream reality becomes too difficult to carry on alone, it is important for me to have a support group within the T community, as well as outside of it, along with my therapist support. When this support is in place and functioning properly, it is easier deal with those adversities that will always occur during everyday living, and it is through the successful resolution of those conflicts that I grow and develop my feminine personality. It is the combination of my feminine appearance and my feminine personality that makes me the whole woman that I believe I have always truly been. I had spent my previous life developing my perceived male personality and it would be foolish for me to think that I could develop my feminine personality immediately. For me, it is an outcome that I CAN lives with, my own personal belief that I am happier living in these circumstances than I ever was before undertaking this transition. What I learned is that I am not transitioning for any person other than myself. It is truly the most selfish thing I have ever done. I am affecting the lives of all those around me, all of my family, all of my acquaintances, and even all those I have yet to meet, are going to be affected by this decision. It is through this interaction with others outside the circle of protection in the community that I have come to be able to further clarify my feelings and understand my motivations.
The week following my discussion at the T girl gathering, a friend posed an additional thought provoking question. “Why are you making these changes now, and at your age?” Again, that poignant question that caused me to consider my reasons for transitioning in the first place. I need these questions to make me stop long enough to look at my motivation rather than merely my implementation. I had not been a dresser prior to starting my transition, I had sublimated my desires to be a woman, as it didn’t seem possible. It has taken this long to discover who I really was. I had been in several unsuccessful marriages, and once I discovered that I was transsexual, I could understand why they may have been so unsuccessful. I had been playing a role, and I had become depressed, without really knowing why. I then began weekly psychiatric counseling sessions. I had no clue as to who or why I was. I had no friends, no one I could confide in, no one that I wished to get close to, because if I did, they may learn about the real me, and then reject me because of my unacceptable thoughts and beliefs. This counseling led me to accept that I am a transsexual, and that acceptance has opened the door to allow me to become more fully alive than I ever had been before. That revelation did not come without consequences, and as a result of them, I have lost my marriage of thirteen years, and the legal right to visit my children without a member of Health and Human Services present. I am still discovering how to live with myself, and finding the person that I truly am. I happen to like the person that I am learning about, and it is this joy that keeps me moving down the transition path, even at my age. Another reason that I have waited until now to begin my transition is that I am now mature enough to think about my life goals, what do I want to be doing in 5 to 10 years? Now that my family is out of the picture, I have begun to question and examine what is left and how happy am I with those prospects. Additionally, my life expectancy is longer than it would have been in previous generations, and I believe that I will be able to live a productive, healthy life for at least 20 more years. I wish to make the best of the time I have left here, and for me, that is being the woman that I was supposed to have been over mumble years ago.
Of all of the requirements of The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care, the Real Life Experience, requiring M to F transsexuals live full time as a woman before having sexual reassignment surgery, is one of the most important for discovering my resolve to continue to transition facing the economic and social consequences of my choices. And I now have had first hand experience as to why this requirement is in place. It has been through this interaction with others that I learned how some people would view me, and how it would affect my mental health. These experiences help me discover if I can to deal with the discrimination and prejudice that will become evident in the course of my everyday interaction within my social environment. Without this involvement, I believe that I would become too involved with the day-to-day development, the making and achieving minor goals as to overlook my goal, that of becoming a happy, well adjusted woman.
Thanks for listening.
